Going Deeper – The Glue That Helps Relationships Stick

How to Experience Depth in Relationships? The glue of relationships is getting to depth with your man or with anyone else.

Relationships can be chit chat or deep, and they can also be chit chat and deep.

I used to not think so… I was under the impression they needed to be esoteric, deep thought provoking subjects, one couldn’t get to depth with talking about the weather or politics etc. But I have since changed my awareness on this.

The following I know work in getting a deeper connection with anyone, and I know I for one would like to be more connected within pretty much any relationship I’m in but particularly with my partner.

First and perhaps one of the easier ways…

Use feeling messages…

You can talk to anyone with these… it takes a bit of practice not to feel awkward with them, but basically it is a matter of substituting your use of the word thinking or thinks with the word feeling or feel. This allows you to be more of a poet than a reporter.

It is interesting how it works… For example I could say I think I’m going to go to the store today, or I could say I feel how much fun it will be to buy new shoes at the store today. You get to describe the situation more, this brings the other persons involvement more into your story, and i.e. closeness gets more enhanced.

Second – Is really “being” there listening fully to them when they are talking…

This may take some practice but the benefits are outstanding.

Everyone is craving to be heard… but they don’t just want the physical aspect of being heard, they want to be sincerely heard at their depth.

They want to know that you are ‘there’ with them and they are respected for their opinion whether you agree with it or not.

The way to do this is to ‘be’ with them when they are speaking, stay focused looking into their eyes.

Especially with your partner, and especially if you are in a ‘deep’ or heated discussion, a tool you can use is count for 29 seconds after they have said their last piece, just staring them in the eyes, in total silence, taking in what they have said without coming back with what you want to say. They will feel really listened to and appreciated, and the ‘glue’ between you two will be curing strongly.

Third – Besides feeling messages and ‘really’ listening there are other ways to get to a closer depth.

One is to realize that all of us have different relationships with any one person in our life. What do I mean?

Because of lack of nourishment from busy parents, inconsiderate friend’s, teachers that knowingly or probably more likely unknowingly hurt us at deep, probably even nonverbal emotional places when we were too young to even talk, all of us have emotional holes in our makeup. These holes are very pervasive and for the most part affect every action, almost every interaction with others during our day/life.

They need to be filled, but how? The how actually has the added benefit of bringing us closer to whomever we are interacting with including our beloveds.

Our relationships are actually a conglomeration of many relationships, and we can actually get nurtured in different relationships if we are willing to do the following.

Let’s say for example your mother was overwhelmed when you were small. She had no time to comfort you, for whatever reason when you needed it. An emotional “ouch chip” went into place at that time, you might not even have been able to speak when it happened – too young, but a feeling went into your heart – “when I need nourishment, it is not there.” That feeling/unconscious thought has stuck, pretty much unconsciously with you all your life.

Now in your present relationships when you are feeling like you need some comfort, how easy do you feel, is it going to be to ask for it, or even to suspect you will get it?

Or differently maybe you will be constantly asking for it, expecting it from your lover, when he can’t for his own reasons, his own “holes”, be able to give it to you.

A great book is almost out by Mehrdad Mizani who goes deeply into these concepts. The book soon to be released is called How Are You Treating Life.

His basic tenants are that there are four relationship types that most of us need some healing on, or roles we need to play for others. For women they are being a mother, sister, daughter or eventually a wife. He says all women need practice in each of these roles and if we can shift back and forth between them with everyone we interact with we will not only get what we need to heal ourselves, but will be healing the person we interact with. For men they are being a son, father, brother and husband.

Mehrdad feels so strongly about this that he says a relationship will definitely fail unless we are sensitive to what interaction type we are being called to be in at the time, and then being what is needed.

So the ideal constant, romantic love picture we have as little girls is not only illusory but harmful and does not work. It does not work because it isn’t healing or isn’t, possibly, what is being called for at the moment. At the moment you might need to be a mother, sister or daughter to really connect with your beloved, and if he is feeling like he needs a different experience than you are giving him, his closeness might dwindle, or on a more positive note if you see/sense what he needs he can relax and be nourished.